11.11.11

Yesterday was one of the scariest days I’ve had in a long time.

I went to an OB-Gyne to have my breasts checked. The other night while I was doing my jump ropes, my B’s felt painful. I have always dismissed this pain since I regularly experience this heaviness and lumpiness, especially before the onset of my monthly period. The next day while taking a shower, I was alarmed when I cheked and felt a big lump on my right B. I have never felt a lump as big as that before. I decided right there and then to go to a doctor.

At the back of my mind (and all of my sisters’ too), I was always afraid of the Big C (okay, so what’s with the alphabet?). My mom had her mastectomy when she was around 67. Her sister, my Tita Lina, also had hers when she was in her early 40’s. So you see, the Big C is a random genetic misfortune that has always been looming on our family’s women. Feeling big lumps is something that I should not ignore.

Back to yesterday’s chronicle. So I went to Riverside Medical Clinic to look for my suking OB-Gyne. (The last time I saw her was almost three years ago—my bad!) Alas, her secretary told me that ALL OB-Gyne’s were out of town attending a conference. So, which meant I had to wait and agonize until Monday? Nope, I said to myself. I had to know now. I went to the kapitbahay clinic looking for another doctor, hoping that one of them was around. Luckily, the first door I went to said that this OB-Gyne was substituting for the regular one. So I had my name listed. I was thinking, sige, kahit sino na lang muna. I really wanted to get it over with.

And she confirmed my fear. I have a big lump on my right B. But the worse thing was, she also felt something on the left. She referred me to have an ultrasound test. She said she would forego a mammogram for me since the next step is to do an ultrasound anyway. A mammogram test is to detect any breast abnormalities. Mine were already abnormal, I guess, because my doctor already felt the lumps. Anyways, I am more afraid of the horror stories of mammograms since some women say it is painful to undergo one. So I was half thankful that she recommended an untrasound instead.

I was number 8 on the list when I reached the Perinatal Clinic—which meant I had to wait for more than an hour and a half, considering a 15-minute per patient consultation. I tell you, it was the longest hour I’ve had. Bad movie scenes were creeping in my mind. Do I need to quit my job? If I had an operation, where would I have it? Will I lose my hair and gain weight? Will I still see my future grandchildren? Shudder!!! So many scenarios in just sixty or so minutes. I wished I had somebody to hold my hand, because I swear I was crying inside.

Cacnio! So I had to change into a lab gown. The clinic was clean and inviting, almost warm and homey. It didn’t look like your average sterile ultrasound rooms. A Christmas carol was playing on the stereo. I felt relaxed. The doctor was a male, but at that point, I didn’t care. He was ultra-polite, announcing each move he was about to make. When he started dictating to his assistant his findings, I blocked out on the Silver Bells tune being played. He said there were a lot of cysts—8 on the left, and 5 on the right, to be exact. And my fear factor went to overload!

He explained that these cysts are hormonal and that they formed because there were extra estrogens that didn’t flush out as fast, hence the water retention that became cysts. He said the small ones could go away, but the bigger ones might not. Actually in ultrasounds I had done before, the doctors normally didn’t explain anything. They just told me to ask my own doctor for the interpretation of their reports. At least, this ultrasound doctor was compassionate enough to clarify some things for me. I guess he wanted to make me feel better about the 13 cysts he found?

Going out of the clinic, I took a peek at the report. Alarming words: Dense adult breasts with fibrocystic change. Assuring words: benign sonologic characteristics. It was only then that I was able to heave a sigh of relief. Sort of.

I went back to my OB-Gyne again. By then it was almost 1:00, and I haven’t eaten lunch yet. I suddenly remembered I should have been hungry by now. But first, I needed to hear out what my doctor had to say. The wait in her clinic was only ten minutes. She said that yes, the cysts are benign, but I had to monitor them every three months since I have a genetic history of the Big C. I need to take the ultrasound test again in February, and maybe every three months thereafter.

I was comforted by the thought that the findings were not fatal or anything. But I was also worried that this is not the end of my fear, just a delay maybe. When I reached the school, I called the Hubby and the tears came flooding. I was finally able to let go of the anxiety. If the results had not been as positive, I don’t know how loud my sobs would have been.Thank God, they were just tears of relief. 

And the journey of my middle age begins on 11.11.11.